(Originally written in September, 2023)
I just woke up after a dream. David and I were taking a chicken bus (Nicaraguan phenomenon), it was night time, it was fully packed with people and lots going on (as always). At one point, he went to do something in the front, then perhaps there was a rest stop, I lost track of him. The bus started moving again and soon after, I realized he was no longer on the bus.
It was a feeling of intentional leaving, like he wanted to go. I had my phone, he didn’t call. I accepted it.
Between dreaming and waking up, my rational mind began to creep in..I had the phone, but I realized I had a version of his sim card in my phone, to which he could not call me. I started to think what if we left him behind.. that he just didn’t make it back in time? My mind did not want to leave him.
I’m fully awake now. Back into my reality that has still been tough to process. It has been a month since David left. I burst into tears. Of course, this dream makes sense. He left me, I feel abandoned. The bus was a symbolical way for my subconscious digestion of this painful event.
I’m uncontrollably crying, just like almost every other day, when will this stop. I feel bad for myself. It’s not long until a different realization creeps in..
I left myself long before he ever left me.
I abandoned myself long before he chose to leave.
Of course he left. I would have left too. I abandoned myself. I abandoned myself over and over for a whole year. I didn’t make art, I stopped my morning practice, I wasn’t looking much after my body, I chose not to work through my personal issues that were getting in our way.
He was all I needed, his love fulfilled me, I didn’t want to seek much else. This got our relationship out of balance quickly. Looking back, I’m surprised he gave me the chance for as long as he did.
I chose, I chose I chose. I made many different choices that stood for comfort, for staying small, for blaming things outside of me, even him. I created this reality. No one left me, I left myself.
I once again fell into the trap of thinking someone else will complete me, save me. Amnesia, again. Relationships are absolutely the place where I do my deepest learning on earth. Funnily enough, I felt like I really did so much work on myself being single for the 5 years before David and I met. Relationships are really the place where all of the work is put into practice.
Thank you for this heart-breaking lesson, let this change me, forever. I won’t leave myself ever again. I release all illusions of anyone ever saving me or fulfilling me. Let this painful separation be the antidote to my wound of abandonment. Let it burn this ancient fear of mine, once and for all.