Hi,
I’m Diana and most of my life I have put myself under the guise of being shy. I don’t sing on my own (group singing is ok because my voice has a place to get lost), becuse I’m shy. I don’t try theatre in school, even though I am so drawn to it, because I’m shy. I don’t learn DJ’ing, because I am shy, but also because being seen is the most scary thing for me, or so I think. I speak the minimum amounts in classes required (and have horrible anxiety and a shaking voice while doing so), because I’m shy. Heck, I even struggle to share my art in my early adult life, becauce I feel a block.. it says “stay quiet, stay invisible, it is safer this way”.
Being seen and sharing my voice - my biggest scariest things in life. What if being shy is not who I actully am. What if being a shy girsl is the furthest things from what I actually am? What if the part of me that admires actors and singers and people who are completely free to express themselves is the part that is my actual arrow north? Leading me to my deepest desires in this body and in this life. What if being seeing and beeing expressive, the complete opposite of what I lived in the beginning of my life, could be the most healing and freeing and rewarding and exciting thing I could do..ah! A fire in my heart just at the thought of this. There is truth there for me. Truth that I will no longer be able to deny for much longer.
I am looking into online singing lessons already, how about some improv classes and look into public speaking?
What drew me to write this first post was the awkward beginner stage that I am so afraid of. Perfectionism is deeply imbedded and I feel I have no space to make mistakes. I am fearful of others making fun of me, judging me, mocking me.
Sweet Diana, it is ok to not be perfect. In fact, you already are imperfect. In the most perfect way. You are so Loved and Adored.
The beginning will be awkward, it will be scary, but just the beginning. When you expose yourself in these ways over and over, the grasp of the power this fear has had over you will diminish. Soon, you will love it. You will THRIVE in it. You will feel so much wholeness that felt missing for a long time. Because literally a part of you was laying dormant, expelled. “Don’t you dare make a peep, we act in a way that doesn’t draw attention”
Last night I had a dream, of my first childhood home, where I lived with my mo, her parent and her sister. I feel I built an imaginary roof of what I am allowed to be as I grew up there. My mom’s sister was not fond of me, she was roughly 5 years older. I learned quickly to stay small to be liked, hide my light, don’t bother her.
Diana, I am so proud of you for writing this post. Please write more, your writings will inspire others to face their fears too. I Love You.